Sleep Training, Biblical Discernment, and Finding What Works for Your Family
An Interview with Abbie Halberstadt from M is for Mama
If you've ever looked for advice about baby sleep online, you've probably noticed how quickly the conversation can become overwhelming.
One person says sleep training is essential. Another insists it will damage your child's attachment. One expert recommends a particular approach, while someone else says that very approach is harmful. And as a mom who simply wants her baby to sleep well, you're left wondering who to believe.
This is something I recently had the opportunity to discuss with Abbie Halberstadt on the M Is for Mama podcast. Abbie is a mom of ten, a bestselling author, and someone whose faith and writing have been an encouragement to me. I was so excited to join her for a conversation about baby sleep, sleep training, and how we can approach these decisions through a biblical lens.
Our conversation covered some important topics, including the relationship between sleep and motherhood, common misconceptions about sleep training, and how to make decisions that are right for your own family.
IN THIS POST:
Sleep and Attachment Aren't Opposites
What Sleep Training is (and isn’t)
Biblical Wisdom Leaves Room for Different Families
Practical Steps Can Make Sleep Changes Easier
You Can Love Your Baby and Want More Sleep
Watch the episode HERE!
Sleep and Attachment Aren't Opposites
One of the most common concerns I hear surrounding sleep training is that helping a baby learn to sleep independently will somehow harm their attachment to their parents.
The underlying fear is understandable. We love our children deeply, and we want them to know that we are there for them. We want to respond to their needs and build a secure, loving relationship.
But does prioritizing sleep mean sacrificing connection?
I don't believe these things have to be mutually exclusive.
Motherhood involves sacrifice, and there will absolutely be seasons when our children's needs mean less sleep for us. There are also times when a baby needs extra support overnight because of feeding difficulties, illness, or other circumstances.
But our own need for sleep matters, too.
During our conversation, we talked about how ongoing sleep deprivation can affect a mother's patience, emotional capacity, and ability to be present with her children. When parents are exhausted night after night, they may find themselves struggling with frustration, resentment, or simply feeling like they're not enjoying motherhood the way they expected.
Getting more sleep doesn't mean you love your children any less. And helping your baby develop healthy sleep habits doesn't mean you're choosing sleep over your relationship with them.
In fact, for some families, improving sleep can make a meaningful difference in how they experience their days together.
What Sleep Training Is (and Isn’t):
When many parents hear the phrase sleep training, they immediately think of one specific method: leaving a baby to cry until they fall asleep.
But sleep training is actually an umbrella term for different strategies used to change sleep habits. There isn't just one approach, and not every method looks the same.
Some approaches involve making changes gradually over time. Others involve more direct changes to the way a baby falls asleep. There are also strategies that fall somewhere in between.
When I work with families, I take their individual circumstances, their goals, and their comfort levels into account. Every baby is different, and every family has different needs.
To understand why sleep training can help, it is useful to understand a little about how sleep works.
We all move through sleep cycles throughout the night. As we transition from one cycle to the next, we experience brief awakenings. Most adults barely remember them because we can generally settle back to sleep without much thought.
Babies experience these same transitions. However, if a baby regularly relies on a particular condition to fall asleep, such as being rocked or nursed, they may look for that same condition when they wake between sleep cycles.
If the circumstances have changed, they may fully wake and need help settling again.
Sleep training strategies can help change these patterns and give babies opportunities to develop different ways of falling asleep.
That doesn't mean every baby needs sleep training. If your family's current sleep habits are working well for everyone, there's no reason to change them simply because someone else recommends a different approach.
But if your family's sleep situation is no longer sustainable, it can be helpful to know that you have options.
You Don't Have to Make Parenting Decisions Out of Fear
Another important part of our conversation was the amount of fear surrounding sleep training.
Parents regularly encounter claims online that sleep training will damage a child's brain, harm their relationship with their parents, or teach them that no one will come when they cry.
When you hear these messages repeatedly, it's understandable that you might feel anxious about even considering sleep training.
The challenge is that online discussions often present complicated topics in very black-and-white terms. Different people interpret research differently, and some make sweeping claims that leave parents feeling as though there's only one acceptable way to care for their children.
This is where discernment becomes so important.
Rather than automatically accepting everything we see online, we can take the time to ask questions. What is this person actually claiming? What evidence supports that claim? Does the research being cited really support the conclusion being drawn? And what assumptions or beliefs might be influencing how that information is interpreted?
As Christian parents, we have an additional foundation to consider: our biblical worldview.
Research can be a valuable tool, but the way people interpret research is influenced by their assumptions and beliefs. We need to be thoughtful about the conclusions we draw and careful not to accept every confident statement as truth.
That doesn't mean we should dismiss information simply because it challenges what we already believe. It means we should approach information thoughtfully, examine it carefully, and use discernment as we make decisions for our families.
You don't have to let fear-driven social media posts dictate your parenting decisions.
Biblical Wisdom Leaves Room for Different Families
One of my favorite parts of this conversation was discussing the freedom Christian parents have to make decisions that fit their individual families.
There isn't one sleep approach that every family must follow.
Some families are happy with their current sleep arrangements and aren't looking to make changes. Other families are struggling with frequent night wakings, exhausted parents, and children who aren't getting the rest they need.
Those situations are different, and they may call for different solutions.
Even within the same family, what works in one season may not work in another. A newborn's needs are different from those of an older baby, and a family's circumstances can change as they welcome more children, navigate feeding challenges, or experience other life changes.
Wisdom means considering those circumstances rather than assuming that one approach is right for everyone.
It also means recognizing that we can learn from other parents without assuming we must do exactly what they did. An approach that worked beautifully for one family might not be the right fit for yours.
As Christian moms, we can seek wisdom through Scripture, prayer, conversations with our husbands, and relationships with mature believers who know us and care about our families.
Sometimes, that means reaching out to an older, wiser mom who can offer perspective and encouragement. Sometimes, it means seeking practical help when our current situation isn't working.
And sometimes, it means being willing to consider an option we previously dismissed because of what we had heard about it.
The goal isn't to copy someone else's parenting decisions. It's to make thoughtful decisions that reflect our convictions and serve our families well.
Practical Steps Can Make Sleep Changes Easier
We also talked about what sleep training can look like in practice, particularly for parents who feel nervous about making changes.
One thing I emphasize with families is that we don't have to jump straight into changing how a baby falls asleep. There are practical things we can look at first to help set the baby up for success.
Start by looking at the daytime routine.
Nap timing, the amount of daytime sleep, and the timing of bedtime can all influence how easily a baby settles. A baby who isn't tired enough may struggle to fall asleep, while a baby who is overtired may have difficulty settling and staying asleep.
A schedule doesn't need to control your entire day, but a thoughtful routine can be a helpful tool.
Consider daytime feeding and nutrition.
We also want to consider whether a baby is getting adequate nutrition during the day and whether night wakings may be related to genuine hunger. Feeding needs vary by age and individual circumstances, so it's important to account for those needs before making changes to nighttime habits.
Choose an approach that fits your family.
Once you've considered the bigger picture, you can begin thinking about what changes might be helpful. Different strategies offer different levels of parental involvement and different paces of change.
The right plan should take your baby's needs, your family's circumstances, and your goals into account.
This is one reason I work with families individually. I don't believe in handing every family the exact same plan and expecting it to work in every situation.
You Can Love Your Baby and Want More Sleep
If you're struggling with your baby's sleep, I want you to know that you're not a bad mom for wanting things to change.
You can love your baby wholeheartedly and still feel exhausted. You can be responsive to your child's needs and recognize that your family needs a more sustainable sleep situation. You can take your faith seriously while also considering practical strategies that may help everyone get more rest.
You don't have to make these decisions based on guilt, fear, or pressure from people who don't know your family.
Instead, give yourself permission to seek wisdom, ask questions, and consider your options carefully.
And remember that sleep training isn't a requirement for every family. If things are going well, you don't need to fix what isn't broken. But if you're struggling, you don't have to assume that sleepless nights are simply something you must endure without support.
There is room to consider your family's needs, your convictions, and the season of life you're in.
Listen to the Full Conversation
I loved getting to talk with Abbie about these topics on the M Is for Mama podcast. Our conversation was a wonderful opportunity to explore sleep training, biblical discernment, and the freedom we have to make thoughtful decisions for our families.
If you've been feeling confused or anxious about baby sleep, I hope you'll listen in!
You can find the episode wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch our conversation on YouTube.
Watch the conversation with Abbie Halberstadt on YouTube
And if you're struggling with your little one's sleep and aren't sure where to start, I'd love to help you explore your options and find an approach that works for your family.
